day by day

I hate day 1-16, each day is so unexpected on how I will feel and what I will be able to do. I hate being so debilitated and worthless. It is either the chemo itself that makes me sick or the numbers taking a dive to nothing that makes me exhausted and scared of every germ. I long for the third week day 17-20 where I feel "normal". I hate day 21 where I spend the day up at the hospital doing tests and meeting with the doctor preparing for the next cycle again scared out of my mind. I cry just because I feel so helpless to this disease and hate that I have absolutely no control on what this disease does to me. I long to be able to take a shower- a real shower with no shrink wrap on my body and water being able to run down without being hand held stream. I plan on taking so many when this is over and being in there until there is no more hot water left! I am still bitter about being forced to quit breast feeding and resent the fact that it might not ever happen again. I hate wearing a hat all of the time but my bald head is a bit alarming and I do not want to make others feel uncomfortable. I hate that I re-loose my hair with each cycle and long for the end where I can just watch it grow. I long for a glass of wine to take the edge off and just relax already!